Has Love really can wait?

"There are so many things that I missed back home. I missed my family, friends and loved ones. I don't know when I'll be coming back to see them again. I wish I enjoyed my last days in the Philippines in its fullest. But there are so many circumstances that hindered me to do so. It's not that I'll bamboozle and fool around and do whatever things I want to do. But it is more of treasuring and building wonderful memories with those people whom I care the most.

I feel like I was in a cage trapped and wanting to be free. But that is the price I need to pay for not being true and loyal. And it keeps on hunting me all these time. The depression, frustrations and the fear in my heart, it's becoming unbearable. I feared for my life that I might not be what I wanted to be because of what's happening. I fear for my downfall. I don't want my dreams to be shattered and be put into waste in just a brink of time. And now, my heart and my mind are in total chaos. They're fighting each other just to prove me that they are right after all. And it disturbs my whole being and my state of mind. My sanity is fast deteriorating. I'm here in a place which I am not familiar of, still locked up in my cage, agonizing in misery and despair.

We sometimes underestimate people. We underestimate what they feel, what they can and what they cannot do to you. We want to believe that things will be alright. But in reality someone will always be in the losing end. And I know in my heart that I'm in the losing end. I sense that this dilemma and depression will last for the longest time. And if it ends, I hope this time, I'll be in the striking distance of the winning end, ecstatic and with high spirits. But unfortunately, I don't have any army or weapon to fight back and win this battle. I don't even have the courage and determination to face my enemy. The only appropriate and apt thing to do is to surrender and be a slave of my darkest fear. I became slave for so long and now I want to escape and be free again. I want to be whole again. I want to pick up the pieces of what I have lost and put it back together where it was used to be. Though I know it will never be the same again, at least it still has its purpose and meaning. I want to start anew. I want to start a new life wherein I could be proud of. I hope that this fragment of imagination will never cease. I hope it will continue to dream till I win this battle. I don't want to live in this masquerade ball anymore. I want to get out and travel in the fantasy world. But it remains to be seen or better yet it will just forever be a fantasy. Am starting to lose faith and now I'm in awry. I hope someone will just destroy my cage and make me free once more. And once I'm free, I will never go back to that cage or someone's cage anymore. Once again, this is just a product of my over imaginative imagination.

I'm not yet ready. And I don't know when will I'll be ready. I'm not yet ready to face the consequences of my inactions. I'm too weak and fragile to handle these circumstances. Instead, I will just remain in my cage and just be contented to be at least a man in my own way."

When I'am single

4 na bagay na ayaw ko pag “single” ako…

1. Bitterness- I don’t know why pero every time na nagiging single ako I always end up being bitter. Siguro dahil tapos na ang sweet moments of the relationship. And yet it’s not enough to be bitter. Bitter ako kasi mahal mo pa siya kahit na tayo na.

2. Hard to accept- After being bitter, I hate myself effusing to accept reality. Sabagay, bakit sino ba naman ang nadalian na tanggapin ang realidad ng paghihiwalay? Diba wala?! Dahil na rin sa simpleng bagay lang. Umaasa pa rin ang puso mo na pwede pang ibalik ang dati, the happiest moment and all. Umaasa pa rin na hindi pa tapos ang relationship, na meron pang susunod. Ngunit ang totoo wala na. Mali na isipin ang kadahilanang “minahal niya ako noon, yun din ang ang panghahawakan ko para mahalin niya muli ako”

3. From affirmative->negative- I hate myself kapag bumabalik ako sa dati. Yung tipong nagpakabait ka just to please him/her, then dahil wala na kayo “the good girl gone bad”. Balik sa dati ang buhay. Alak, gala, tambay isama mo pa ang mga may sungay mong barkada. Bumalik ako sa dati kasi sa tingin ko lilingon ka at babalikan ako pag nagging masama ako. (Alam ko na hindi na ako batang nawalan ng candy na kapag nawalan babalikan para bumili ng bago.)

4. Time is too long- Being single means having all of the time in your hands. I know it’s sounds so optimistic pero sabihin na natin you have all the time in the world, pero hindi maaalis ang realidad kahit ang dami mong oras kung SINGLE ka naman nonsense din. (you might have your friends pero iba pa rin pag may boyfriend/girlfriend ka)

 

            Moving on after a break-up and embracing single life may seem like a hard task for anyone. Who want to retreat to the life of being alone again when you have already had a glimpse of “FOREVER” (or at least you thought) or had an ethereal chance of happiness? However, as things suddenly took unexpected turns and you have no power to turn back the hands of time and get back to the way things use to be, you may want to start your life over and begin a new one START TO EMBRACE SINGLE LIFE AGAIN. 

"ayos na kaibigan, pangako walang iwanan"

Madaming tao sa mundo, sa sobrang dami ng makakasalubong mo bibihira lang ang makikilala mo. Sila yung mga tipo ng tao na tanggap ka ano ka man o sino ka man, para sa kanila "walang mali sa'yo, puro lahat tama".
Nang pumasok ako sa PUP(Polytechnic University of the Philippines) ang lima na 'to ang tumanggap ng buong-buo sa pagkatao ko(sabi nila di pa daw sure kung tao ako c:). Isa sila sa mga naging pandayan ng aking emosyon at sanhi ng aking pag tawa hayaan niyo naman na malaman niyo kung sino-sino sila.

Hegino Muegue- "Mr. Tall, Dark." matalino siya. Isa sa mga hinahangaan kong character niya ay ang pagiging matalino. Iba siya, matalino pero hindi "nerd" materialistic siya pero sapat lang para maging premyo sa mga fulfillment niya. Siya na ata ang may pinaka madaming alam sa amin tungkol sa mga latest gadgets and details about them. Masayang kasama, hindi niya hinahayaan ang ka itiman niya ang maging sanhi ng pag layo nga tao sa kanya bagkus ito ang ginamit niya para dumami ang tunay na kaibigan niya.
Rizza Licayan- "Ms Chickbone" pano ko ba idedescribe ang isang tulad niya. Siya siguro yhung tipo ng tao na laging patawa, yung tipong mukha palang "super tawa" na ang dulot sa amin. Mababaw lang ang pangarap niya yun ay ang yumaman(kasi kahit facebook account niya ginagawa niyang tindahan ng kung ano-ano), bakit sino ba naman ang ayaw yumaman diba.?! Mapili siya sa kaibigan, pero once you become her friend friends na kayo habang buhay

Honeylyn Daza- "Ms. Crush ng Bayan" dyosa kung ituring ng iba, pero para sa amin katulong lang siya(hahhaha joke lang) matalino din siya(well, lahat naman kame matalino eh.)pero siya she has 'Beauty and Brain' na talaga naman hahangaan ng iba. Siya yung tipo ng tao na alam mong kaibigan mo. You don't have to explain why ang mahalaga kaibigan mo siya.

Carissa Dtablan- "Ms. Banat" kung ganda ang paguusapan walangg tatalo sa akin (next lang sila ni honey)pero siya may ganda at busilak na puso. May pagkatao na "unique" pero minsan "weird" ganyan naman siguro lahat ng tao, may kanya-kanyang pagkatao at yun ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya. Hindi niya kailangan na maging iba para humanap ng totoong kaibigan.
Jessica Oandasan- "Ms. Brainiac" Smart and talented at may takot sa diyos yan ang mga salita na best describe this awesome lady. Mejo childish pero alam kong matured nang magisip. Malabo man ang mata pero malinaw ang isip at puso para kumilala ng mga totoong tao na nakapaligid sa kanya. Hindi siya judgmental kaya para sa kanya lahat ng tao ay pantay pantay tulad ng ng pagtingin ng Diyos sa atin.


Ilan lamang sila sa mga tunay kong kaibigan na tumanggap ng walang halong panghuhusga at ano pa man. Sila ang mga tao na mahalaga para sa akin. Kundi dahil sa kanila ano na kaya ako ngayong college life ko.

Thanks guys all cheers to all of us..

In case nahanap mo na ang mga tao na tumanggap sa'yo ng walang halong duda, just peace of advice wag mo na silang pakawalan ;)

A replay of a not so happy story

Have you ever feel so deeply in love with a guy, and then when you wake up one morning you just cant feel the love anymore?

            It was like viscous cycle where memories where starting to come back on my head. The first time I saw him, the time when I finally meet him. All of those memories where flashing back. It was like your favorite scene in a movie that you keep on watching and watching even thought you already know the ending. The memories were just too many to be just put in the deepest part of my head.

            Every single item in my room give me the memories that I don’t want to  remember, but I cant help it. Every single object in my room was reminding me of you. Even a single chewing gum under my bed was bringing me the happy memories of the past.

            As I try my best to forget you, I decided to go to the mall and let my mind think of other things except you. Our past was just so important to be buried and forget. As I walk to the hallway of the mall, every single stall here reminds me of the times when we are having our small cat fight. It was like the scene was happening on front of me. The running, the dagger looks and the shrugged of our shoulders when answering the question “BATI NA TAYO?!” It was like a picture perfect having its slide show and then  I just remember your favorite line, “Pictures can bring you a millions of memories” I think your right the scenario makes me just freeze in the middle of the hallway. Even though I know it was just a viscous cycle I cant help it to believe that it was true.

            As I walk across so many people that was unfamiliar to me, only one face was clear. And sadly to say it was only your face who’s just haunting me. As I always asked myself a million times before, “Ano bang meron ka?!”, that I just cant seem to move on and forget you.

            Your haunting me, so I decided to quit. I’m just tired of doing all the “moving on thing” and then at the end of the day I’ll always find myself thinking or even worst is coming back to you.  It was like I’m stranded in the past, and while I’ am stranded on the past I can see the present being dominated by my bitter past.

            “Our story is perfect, it was just like the fairytale story I read on books. You as my prince charming, me as your princess and together we made a perfect story of a happy ending scenario.”

            This was just a fairytale, only written in the books and not in life. We may separate our way but maybe there is a small hope  that our road will cross again and together we’re making a love story that I can say will last forever.

Single but not alone

It was a typical day of summer. The hot temperature outside added more boredom in my life, so I decided to went outside and try to go to malls and look for something that I want but not needed. And that is LOVE.

            Nakasakay ako sa isang fx, feeling ko pinaglalaruan ako ng tadhana biruin mo ba naman ako lng ang walang kausap na nakasakay. Ilabas ang cellphone. Makininig ng radio. Pero kahit anong gawin ko alam ko na mag isa lang ako at wala na akong magagawa nun.

            Atlast, andito na din ako sa mall, the cold aircon calm my mind. Ano ba yan! Bakit naman ganun kahit san ka man lumingon you can always see a couple. Straight man o hindi. Bakit ganun parang feeling ko naging pilya nanaman ang kupido ko at pina mukha sa akin na wala akong kasama. NA WALA AKONG PARTNER.

            Eh anong magagawa ko kundi tumingin lang at humanga sa mga couple na aking nakikita. Teka bakit nga ba ako nakatitig sa kanila? Ano ba ang pinagkaiba nila sa akin? Hindi ko alam kung ano pero sa tingin ko alam ko na ayaw ko lang aminin. Makapag kape nga muna.

            Wow! Parang feeling ko lahat ng tao na mag-isa ay nasa coffee shop ah. Wala kang makikita na couple dito, how IRONIC was that. How ironic ang init na nga eh naisipan ko pang mag kape. Just to remember the days you and I we’re still together in this small coffee shop. Ano ba bakit ganun lalo lang pinamumuka sa akin na I’m ALONE, sabayan pa ng tugtug na ALONE ni CELINE DION.

            While drinking my coffee, naisip ko na malaki ang pinagkakaiba ng SINGLE at ALONE. Eh kasi ang single, ay pinili mong maging single, you are not commited to anyone except to yourself. While being alone is just being yourself, without a friends to accompany you its like when you’re looking for comfort and you hold your own hand to comfort yourself.

            Eh sino ba niloko ko? It just like I was the one who’s doing anything and can’t even make something out of it. Bakit ganun lahat ng tao nakatingin sa akin lahat sila naka SMILE, yung tipo ng ngiti na nakakainis? Ah kaya pala, hindi ko kasi napansin na yung barista eh kanina pa nakatayo sa harap ko at naghihintay ng response ko. Sorry kuyang barista, masyado lang talaga malakas ang earphone ko kaya di kita marinig. It was so funny na yung kuyang barista is the same barista na laging kukukuha ng order natin. It was funny but so embarrassing. Kaya tumayo nalang ako at kinuha ang pina take-out ko at sabay alis sa coffee shop.

            I maybe single but not alone, maybe Mr. Right is out there somewhere in the part of this globe waiting for me, waiting for the right time to be commited. Im clossing my door for my own good, but as everybody says “If the door is close, a window is always open”

            Single but not alone. Free but not lolely. That’s how I can describe my situation right now. Happy but not commited.